Dreading a day off?
Yeah, I have today completely off. Considering I only work 2 hours in the average day, you wouldn't expect this to change my day a huge amount, but weirdly it does. The simple time constraint of having to be ready to work by 6:15PM forces me to eat lunch at an appropriate hour, practice trumpet and do whatever other errands are necessary on time. Today I got up at 10:30 to watch the singers and dancers rehearse their murder mystery (which was so bad it was good,) but now I'm totally free until probably 11pm at which time Pryme Tyme is playing the back deck and I'll be joining them on bass.
The problem isn't really occupying that time with activities, because I can always practice trumpet and go to the gym, etc... But being mostly alone during this time leaves my mind free, undistracted and able to sabotage itself. My mind's favorite pastime is over-thinking good relationships and categorically destroying all the self-esteem that recent events may have built up. It makes me wonder whether or not there is actually a such thing as a mentally stable person. Since I feel all this insanity in my brain and I'm pretty sure my outward personality doesn't reflect it, it leads me to believe that there arent sane and insane people. There are simply extraverted and introverted insane people; those who let their crazy out and those who spend their lives fighting to keep it hidden. This leads me to wonder which of these two insanity types could be considered worse or more insane? The one that feels free to lead the life they want or the one who bottles it all away and has a loony battle raging in their mind at all times.
Maybe I'm wrong? Does anyone out there feel that their mind is free of ridiculous thoughts, either mischievous or self-sabotaging?
posted by Jesse @ 11:10 AM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
No, you're right. I'm insane too, maybe it's genetic.
Dr. Victor Frankl would say it's due to a lack of meaning in your life, Dr. Richard Cohen would say it's simply because the mind lies 100% of the time, Abe Lincoln... well he was batshit depressed. Stephen Covey would suggest that you act and think based solely upon the one or two values that you want to define your life. Steve Hagan would say that it's normal and that learning to accept it and not stigmatize it is the only way to live in the now. Jackass (aka me) would say I think we've all been there in some way. It's amazing that we've evolved to have such a natural propensity towards unhappiness. I guess there aren't any easy, universal answers but instead endless possible lifestyle and mental changes that can lead towards tomorrow being just the tiniest bit brighter. Until tomorrow though, know that we are all proud of you for being so daring as to take on this lifestyle. A glass of water, a good article on artofmanliness.com and a nap may help reset a little.
I don't think a mind exists that has never had a self-sabotaging thought, but rather that there are some people with better learned coping skills. Somehow we've built up this ability to allow our thoughts to tear us apart. Buddhists would say the act of meditation is, in part, to gain some control over this horrible habit; to notice when negative thoughts arise, accept that they're there, maybe even explore where they came from and then firmly shut them down before they turn into the negative spiral we are all familiar with. The more you practice the easier it becomes. I would say that yes, all people have their craziness. My mind certainly has a strange ability to spiral my thoughts in negative or positive ways. I think the struggle in life is to find some middle zone in the brain. Somehow, when presented with something that should make us happy our brain decides to dissect and look at all the possible reasons why this could not be a good thing after all. I'm not really sure what this says about human nature, or maybe human culture. Anyway I guess my point in all this is to say that you're not alone in your minds ability to rip apart your self esteem. Just know that you are a beautiful, funny, intelligent person.
Don't be afraid to explore your thoughts, no matter where they lead. It's healthy to have doubts and to think strange thoughts. This is not insanity. Worry if your thoughts lead you to unproductive or harmful actions. I would look up insanity, except Wikipedia is not working today. It's interesting that you're going through this living in the lap of luxury. Maybe this tells you what is important. Personally, I feel happiest when I'm being productive and useful. By the way, it's ok to be unhappy sometimes, in fact, it's important to be unhappy sometimes. It's character building.
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